Computer: What www.livejournal.com? You’re fairly sure there has never been a website called www.livejournal.com and there probably never would be.

This is the conversation I’ve been having with my computer for the best part of the last week, or it’s the conversation I would have been having with my computer if it wasn’t an inanimate object or I was slightly unhinged. In reality I was just asking my computer to load livejournal and it was politely declining, for a given amount of politely. So in the end I decided that I was going to move over here onto WordPress at least for the moment. It’s all a bit weird and unusual and I don’t really understand what’s going on, but it’s something. All I have to do is learn how to press words and I’ll be all up and running. Pressing words is a bit like pressing leaves or butterflies into a book isn’t it? Do people really do that. I mean the pressing leaves I can kind of understand (in a I would never do that in a thousand years kind of way but you know what I mean) but have I just imagined the stuff about pressing butterflies into a book? Did I perhaps see someone maliciously squash a butterfly and assume it was a fantastic new pasttime? Either way it’s not making me any more adept at using this damn website… erm… I mean this damn fine website. Good old webby website. I’d totally be using this website even if I had access to Livejournal. Yep. It’s just that good.

Anyway that’s my story of how with good intentions i managed to make things ten times worse.

Expect The Principalities as soon as the whole internet situation has been stabilised.

First you install the PlayOnline Viewer which is like something that you can view things in or something. I don’t really understand it. Anyway next you have to update that to it’s current version. Then you have to make an account with PlayOnline. Next up comes tying your GamerTag to your PlayOnline profile. After that you get to watch a cinematic which although good I couldn’t help but think ‘couldn’t the game have been installing while I was watching that’ once it had finished. Then you have to install the game and then navigate your way through the confusing PlayOnline profile I don’t really understand. Next up is buying a Content ID of which apparently sixteen are available and I think that’s kind of like paying for sixteen months into the future or something. Anyway then I have to register all the expansion IDs that come with the game. So there I am, by now it’s about three in the afternoon. I’ve been registering and updating and tying things together since twelve. I figure it’s time to get in there and make myself a character and start bashing things till they die but no I’ve obviously forgot the updates to the game itself, which my xbox informs me will take 8 hours to download. EIGHT HOURS! That’s a long time to do anything, nevermind download.

One day I’m hoping to come up with my own MMORPG and upon that day I’ll unleash a set-up more demanding, more rigorous and more difficult than the game itself! And upon that day rhinocrabs shall crawl from the earth and the sky shall turn red with blood and the world shall end.

10. New cake flavours invented at Pepperscotch Mill
Back in the olden days cakes were the height of fashion. As you walked down the street you would see proud housewives carrying freshly baked chocolate cakes, newlyweds feeding each other pieces of wedding cake, Alaskans high on illegal substances ironically carrying around Baked Alaska Cake and so on and so forth. However eventually people tired of the normal boring flavours of cakes. So fed up with these cakes were they that instead of eating them or bringing them into the bedroom for kinky fun with their partners they just threw them away. Not any more. Thanks to the wondrous work of Jake The Cake at Pepperscotch Mill there are thousands of new flavours of cake to choose from. These range from the gangster themed layer cake to the revolutionary chicken cake which periodically lays eggs and runs around the table for a couple of seconds after you’ve taken your first bite. Other exciting new recipes include the Gump Forrest Gateaux which insists on telling the customer how it was produced in copious detail before they can eat it, the Maxwell Tart which is like a Bakewell Tart except with a coffee bean instead of a cherry, a Caret Cake which is made of solid gold and is probably inedible, and Singerbread Cakes which are very tasty but difficult to eat as they burn the hands of anyone that touches them. There’s also a whole range of cupcakes of varying sizes starting with the tiny AA cupcakes and ending with the massive DD cupcakes. Pepperscotch Mill’s new flavours of cake have been hailed as a massive success and restaurants and Ann Summers stores worldwide have started stocking the delicious confectionary again.

9. CakeWorld was finally shut down
Many years ago before Harry Hanka’s Cake Factory was shut down for being unhygienic, needless dangerous and too awesome for words, Harry Hanka opened the door of his famous cake factory for four lucky winners. They had each found special golden tickets baked into their Hanker brand cakes. Those that survived the trip through Hanka’s cake factory described it as reminiscent of the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but with cakes instead of chocolate and Chinese people instead of Umpa Lumpas. After Hanka’s factory was closed down the public thought they would never see another child baked into a cake again, but they were wrong. The idea of a fabulous place with rivers of icing, boats of marzipan and iron maidens made of gingerbread lived on in the head of Bobrinksi Bucket (Charlie’s less well known brother). As soon as he was old enough to run his own business Bobrinski opened CakeWorld. All the fun and wonder of Harry Hanka’s Brilliant Bakery but laid bare for the whole world to see. Over a hundred people died in the first week alone as they succumbed to the temptation to swim in the marshmallow marsh or to wade into the jaffa hive. Protestors barricaded CakeWorld demanding an end to its tricks and traps and to the Chinese people singing songs about how foolish those who had died were. However most of the protestors didn’t even like cake and so the government decided that their opinion was irrelevant. Eventually the numbers of deaths calmed down until it seemed that maybe people were finally getting the hang of traversing CakeWorld without falling into the pit of toxic treacle or being assaulted by the vanilla vultures. However the recent deaths of seven people in a freak icing tsunami were too much for even heartless Bobrinski Bucket to ignore and he closed the park down, much to the relief of the general public.

8. Giant Cake Terrorizes Japan
Japan. Famous since before the dawn of time for the immense creatures that smash their way through it’s busy streets. So numerous and often are the attacks that on particularly busy days the massive creatures have had to wait patiently for a couple of hours while the buildings were rebuilt from a rampage earlier in the day. It has been theorized that these creatures exist in a state of constant war with each other, the city and sometimes even with themselves. However this year when the people of Japan awoke to find a giant gingerbread man rampaging through the busy streets they decided that they had had enough. Things had finally gone too far. They decided to fight back the only way they knew how. By building a giant robot to kill all those other giant monsters and giant gingerbread men and giant robots and with that PALADOSSUS 20XK was born. He was designed to fight only in places where he wouldn’t accidentally destroy anyone’s house or crush innocent bystanders under his colossal metallic footplates, to obey the laws of Japan and to always be kind to his mother. As such it wasn’t long before the other giant monsters were picking on him. More often than not he would end up running back home to the PALADOSSUS 20XK factory crying to his creators who for some reason had built fully functional tear ducts into PALADOSSSUS 20XK. Eventually things got really out of hand when PALADOSSUS came up with an idea how he could finally get his revenge on the monsters that bullied him, he did so the only way he’d been taught how. By building an even gianter robot to fight for him and with that KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD was born. Unfortunately KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD turned out to be so poorly programmed (PALADOSSUS 20XK hadn’t been taught programming language) that he sided with the evil giant robots and was made their king. The people of Japan are by now feeling like idiots and are just bracing themselves for the inevitable gianter still robot that KING KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD will eventually build. For the legend says he will rend the earth in twain with his bloodied robotic talons.

7. Diamond Desserts is declared Worst Cake Shop Ever
To say that black jacket wearing biker Desmond Diamond was a bit of a tough guy would be an understatement. He is in fact so hard that he has officially been certified as the hardest thing in existence when hardness officials watched him slice straight through a diamond with just his fingernail. Desmond, known affectionately as the Diamond Geezer, is so hard that he rides a motorcycle made of diamonds and has a diamond tattooed on one of his teeth. One day his mate Graham Graphite was chatting to Desmond in the café in Bristol where Desmond was born. Graham made the bold claim that Desmond being as hard as he was lacked the capability to do nice things like pat an orphan on the head or bake a cake for a starving African. Desmond took offence at this and demanded to know whether Graham wanted to bet on it. Graham claimed that yes he would like to bet on it and that he’d like to bet twelve trillion pounds. Desmond accepted this offer and the bet to end all bets was on. Desmond’s first attempt at doing something that showed that he could care about and connect with the outside world was to adopt a child because some children need to be adopted sometimes and he thought this would be a good thing to do the world would think he was really great and sensitive. Logically it followed that the more children he adopted the better people would think of him. So he adopted as many children as he could fit into his motorcycle sidecar (eleven) and set off to nurture and care for them until they became adults and he could win his twelve trillion pounds. However Desmond’s lifestyle was far more detrimental to the raising of children than he had imagined. He soon found out that feeding them beer and steak was not appropriate and when one of the children escaped through an open window he decided they’d be easier to control if they were in a child sized hamster ball. Not long after that decision was made child services came and whisked the children away. (Off to a happy life with a loving family where nothing bad ever happened to them ever again. There! Happy now?)
Having failed at his first effort to do something to show he has emotions and can care about things Desmond decided he’d had enough and spent six months riding across America drinking beer and having wild sex with strangers. Then he decided to open a cake shop called Diamond Desserts. He decided that if he was going to make this cake shop a success then he was going to need a unique selling point, something that other cake shops didn’t have. He promptly designed a large selection of cakes which were completely and utterly unique. However such incredible ideas as the Steak Cake, the Bacon and Eggs Cake and the Pizza That You Find In A Box And You’re Not Sure Whether It’s Still Good Or Not But You Try It Anyway Cake all fell flat with people usually running screaming from his shop as though he was about to axe murder them with an axe. Diamond Desserts eventually shut down and Desmond had to sell his motorbike made out of diamonds to pay off the debt he owed. He made his way back to the café in Bristol at the end of the year and confessed he’d not managed anything that showed he was emotional. He told Graham about his misadventures in adoption and running a cake shop and Graham had gone what the fuck? how was running a successful cake shop supposed to show you were emotional? and Desmond had shrugged and taken another swig of his beer. Desmond proposed a counter bet. That they would double the wager and he would have another year to complete it but Graham would have to do something to prove that he was tough. Graham considered it and they agreed and geared up for the next year when Desmond would finally show Graham just how bleeding emotional he could be or die trying.

6. Derren Brown Gone Crazy Imagines Government Cake Conspiracy
Cybernetic Mind-Controller from the future Derren Brown recently reprogrammed his own brain for a lark. He had intended to believe he was a sexy lesbian called Katherine who practised sorcery and had a fetish for people with silly hats on, and he had intended that he only believe this for two hours because Lost would be on then and watching Lost can be confusing enough at times, nevermind if you think you’re an infulaphilic lesbian sorcerer. However he accidentally botched the reprogramming and ended up thinking he was a conspiracy nut called Gary who wore an anorak and liked to lick things to see if they really existed and unfortunately he botched it so that he would believe this for an entire month. Gary wandered the streets wondering where he was and how he got here. He wondered why he it seemed his family didn’t exist, why nothing he remembered seemed to exist and he came to the obvious conclusion that the government had wiped his memories and replaced them with fake ones to cover up the atrocities they had undoubtedly committed, like forcing him to work in the rhinoceros mines in Ipswich and buying him a coconut birthday cake when surely everyone knew he was allergic to coconut.
He resolved he had to take down the government and destroy the Air Loom they were surely using to control the minds of the general population. He could not let the government get away with preventing people from even knowing about the rhinoceros mine in Ipswich. Resolved on this course of action Gary using his clever powers of mental suggestion (for Gary was actually Derren Brown remember) managed to infiltrate the House of Commons and then sneak deep into the depths of the catacombs underneath them, finally entering the chamber where the Air Loom Gang were making people all over the UK believe that there is no such thing as a rhinoceros mine. Gary attempted to take on the Air Loom Gang by licking the Air Loom and hitting the Glove Woman with a stick, but they were too strong and they used the power of the Loom to paralyse him and change the colour of his eyes. The Air Loom Gang reprogrammed the Loom to make Gary believe he was dead whereupon his brain would shut down his organs one by one. Luckily at that point Derren’s real personality reasserted itself and he used a psychic ward to richochet the energy of the Loom back on the Air Loom Gang making them a victim of their own Loom program. Derren was proud of himself. He’d taken down the corrupt government that was secretly controlling the minds of the British Public. The people were free now to live their life how they wanted to live it. People would rejoice and there would be parades and celebrations in the street. Then Derren considered that while that would be nice it would be even nicer if everyone believed he was the King of England and so he reprogrammed the Air Loom and was coronated King of England the next day. Who will save Britain from the tyranny of Derren Brown and his unusual sexual proclivities? Is there really a rhinoceros mine in Ipswich? Is there really such a thing as a rhinoceros mine? What happened in that episode of Lost that Derren missed because he thought he was a conspiracy nut called Gary? Tune in next year to maybe find out the answers to these questions and possibly some you haven’t even thought of yet.

5. Spatial Anomaly Causes Temporary Cake-Centric Universe
For one bizarre day in May the world felt the delicious repercussions of a strange anomaly that was passing through our galaxy. The changes, since they didn’t directly affect people, were not noticed immediately, but as the day wore on more and more people became confused by the unusual events they were seeing on their televisions, in cinemas and pressed between the pages of books. Every single novel, movie or television program for the duration of one day was replaced with an alternate version from a dimension one over from ours. People reading Dune were surprised to discover that Arrakis was not highly valued for it’s spice mines but for it’s cake mines. Those watching Heroes were surprised to be introduced to a new character whose power was to create cakes out of thin air. Those who watched one of the popular horror film series Saw were surprised to see Jigsaw attempting to teach some cakes the value of fighting for their lives. News stories about thefts of cake ran on the news all over the world. Players of the computer game Portal were incredibly surprised to hear GLaDOS offering lesbians as an incentive to complete the test chambers. Unsurprisingly most people became quickly bored of the cake based plotlines of their favourite movies, books and TV shows and some even said that if they saw another cake it would be too soon. But others loved the weird and wacky world of constant cake plotlines and so as the spatial anomaly left our galaxy they hopped into a rocket and attempted to follow it into deep space. Some say they collided with the moon because they were so busy thinking about cakes they forgot to steer the damn thing while others say they found that spatial anomaly and travelled through into a dimension full of laughter and delicious cake for all. We will never know for sure, unless, you know, we take a glance at that big crater on the moon, right there where no craters used to be. That might be something of a clue.

4. Icing Discovered To Be Sentient
A scientist called Plinky McMacintosh was a well respected scientist who devoted his life to attempting to build a machine to communicate with penicillin. His wife, Anjanirinette, thought his endeavour was stupid and would constantly flash her breasts at him in the hope he might find something more interesting to do. Her for example. One night while he was trying to communicate with the medicine by teaching it sign language she organised a naked cake party for her and all her swinger friends. As the party went on Anjanirinette and her friends became very intoxicated and made their way into Plinky’s laboratory and attempted to get him to take off his clothes and join in the fun. It was then that one of the inebriated swingers accidentally dropped a gob of icing onto one of Plinky’s previous machines. A machine that measures for macroscopic brainwaves and converts them into speech. All of a sudden the machine said “Hello everyone! Isn’t today just full of sunshine and moonbeams and rainbow wishes?!” and Plinky came to the realisation that icing is not just a delicious thing to ice cakes with. It’s a sentient being with hopes and fears and feelings too. Once his wife and all of her annoyingly naked friends had gone off upstairs for some reason he got to work. Testing whether or not the icing talking was some kind of fluke or not. He reapplied the icing to the machine and it said “Hello Mr. Twinkleshine. Isn’t the world just gorgeousariffic? Sometimes I wish I could give the world a great big shiny hug and draw a smiley face into everyone’s soul”. He made copious notes as the icing chattered away and he was thrilled with his discovery. This would propel him into the prestigious Hall of Cake Based Scientists. However as he tried to sleep that night something was keeping him awake. Ethically he’d run into a dilemma because icing is tasty but it’s also sentient and thus you probably shouldn’t eat it. But it’s very tasty. He tossed and turned all night long unable to process such a dilemma. In the morning he went down, ignoring his wife’s bare breasts, and spoke to the icing again asking it how it felt about people eating icing. The icing replied “I feel just so uttery superly duperly fantastic about every little piece of information that comes shining out of your mouth. And that’s because you’re just the most delightful person I’ve ever had the delightfulness of meeting…” and so on for two hours. Eventually Plinky decided that since the icing was so brain-achingly annoying there wasn’t really any point in telling anyone about it and that even if he did find a way to communicate with penicillin it probably wouldn’t have anything useful to say. So he gave up his life of science and decided he’d spend more time having hot naked sex with his wife instead. A happy ending for everyone.

3. Mysterious Plague Infects Hundreds And Ruins Cake
It was a sunny and cheerful day in The Principalities with children having picnics in the park and nudists spraying each other with hosepipes. That’s when the Plague of a Thousand Screaming Deaths arrived. It started with Princess Jormungandr, which should be no surprise as Jormungandr loves being at the head of the latest trends. She awoke in agony, unable to move, every second her whole body pulsing in agony. It quickly spread across the Principalities through the Nyxian Kingdom and to the Principality of Fernex. One woman who was mourning the anniversary of Princess Fenrir’s extremely sudden and suspicious death was quoted as saying “Oh god the pain. It hurts it hurts. Please somebody help me. You with the microphone why aren’t you helping me?” Even Prince Fernex’s strangely robotic Toast Police were overcome with the incredible searing pain of the virus. By that afternoon every single person throughout the Principalities was infected with the Plague of A Thousand Screaming Deaths. Then after midnight on that fateful day we all became better again for no good reason. Some people accounted their sudden well being to the heroic actions of a teenager with shoulder length blonde hair, a black trenchcoat and fedora combination and a silly name. Other people claimed it was a herald of the oncoming apocalypse and that massive rhinocrabs were about to rain down out of the sky. It all depends on who you talk to. One survivor of the plague of a thousand screaming deaths said that the plague not only infected him but also a massive chocolate cake which started swearing in some kind of motherfucking cake language man and not only that, but it also infected the crack he was smoking at the time. Needless to say the cake was ruined and the people of the Principalities weren’t best pleased either.

2. Ellen McLain Ascends To Godhood
Portal. It was the worldwide sensation that changed the face of cake forever. From then on people regarded cake and the promise of cake with the bitter disdain and suspicion that such an offer deserved. However throughout the world cake fans and aficionados realised that the adventures of Chell and GLaDOS were nothing more than a computer game, not a plea sent out into the world with the hope of garnering cake for those in need. There was one entity that due to its relative inexperience with the world did not realise this. In Italy, on the island of Sicily, underneath the ancient city of Palermo lies a forgotten tomb, a vast maze of labyrinths, reservoirs and catacombs and at the very deepest and darkest depths there is a single chamber with a being made of pure primal energy. This is the chamber of Buccellato, the ancient and forgotten God of Cakes. It just so happened that one day two people were stood near a sewer grate and their voices by some fluke of nature bounced through the sewers and the tombs and the labyrinths and reservoirs and the catacombs and into the chamber of Buccellato and Buccellato heard them discuss the nature of cake. She came to a conclusion pretty quickly. Cake in this day and age was forgotten. It was thought to have never existed. To be some kind of lie. This would never stand. Buccellato quickly had a broadband connection and a top of the line computer fitted into her deep dark cavern and she played Portal and she discovered that the cake was not a lie after all. She came to the conclusion that GLaDOS needed to become the new God of Cakes. To spread the word of cakes to the uninformed masses and to fill their lives with joy and cakes. So she set out to find GLaDOS. Unfortunately since GLaDOS didn’t actually exist Buccellato ended up coming face to face with her voice actor, one Ellen McLain. Buccellato realised her mistake but she thought ‘well I’ve come a long way now. I should elevate someone to be a god’ so she did and Ellen McLain became a god. Became GLaDOS God of Cakes. Now the whole world is her plaything to use for her cake based science. Who will be able to save us now?

1. The Cake Is A Lie
Professor Englebert Von Killjoy made one of the largest cake based scientific breakthroughs ever this year. In doing so he joined the prestigious Hall of Cake Based Scientists which includes such distinguished scientists as Albert Ecclescake who discovered the theory of relativity to cakes (a theory that states if you move faster than the speed of cake you will get really hungry), Bundtjamin Franklin who discovered that cakes produce a kind of cake electricity (he named it cakelectricity) and Sir Issac Newtarte who theorised that gravity also applied to cakes but never tested his theory in case it proved true and it was a waste of a good cake. Returning to the subject of no-fun scientist Englebert Von Killjoy this year he started theorising that maybe cake does not really exist. While many called him mad and a good few thought he was cleverly referencing popular video game Portal, he persevered with his theory eventually growing some stubble and staring really hard at a whiteboard. One day while he wife was moaning that he doesn’t please her in bed any more because of all that staring at a whiteboard he does he had a breakthrough. He realised that before the creation of wheels there was no cake. He later put forth a theory that cakes are a mass hallucination being caused by our constant proximity to wheels. To prove his theory he had to trek deep into the Antarctic woods where he was certain no wheels could follow him. Englebert detoxed the wheels out of his system and discovered something shocking. Thanks to how he cleared his system of wheels he could see absolutely no cake anywhere in the frozen tundra that surrounded him for miles and miles around. Peoples reactions to his incredible breakthrough were many and numerous. He was lauded by women from all over the world, for now they could enjoy the good taste of imaginary cake without having to worry about any potential calories contained within. On the other hand he was bombarded with death threats from cake lovers the world over. He was posthumously given a nobel cake prize after being suffocated with a cake by a particularly irate overweight man. The particularly irate overweight man was given a nobel prize of awesomeness for managing to suffocate someone with something that wasn’t real. He has since set up a business as a cake based hitman operating out of Islington. One thing is for sure Englebert Von Killjoy will be sorely missed. A memorial to the great man was held at the Battenberg Centre for Scientific Excellence, where Elton John played a special composition all about the scientist.

“Eat a cake you crazy scienceman
Don’t hide away from the wheels.
Suffocated by a fatman.
I’m kind of glad you passed away.”

(to the tune of Tiny Dancer of course).

That’s it till next year now. Potentially coming soon: New episodes of The Principalities… maybe.

Last year I promised that there would be a top ten of events involving Tarantino but have you seen Tarantino lately? I doubt anyone could think of a top ten events involving him that happened in the last decade. So instead of Tarantino I thought ‘hey candles are pretty cool, why not see if I can do a top ten of events involving candles’. So without further ado here are the top ten best candle based events of the year 2008. This year involving actual events that actually happened in the actual world.

10. Quentin Tarantino bought a candle
Tarantino buying a candle in of itself may not sound like one of the best candle based events of the year, but just wait till you hear about the exciting circumstances that surrounded Tarantino’s ill fated trip to buy a candle. You see it was a sunny day in July, possibly the 23rd and Tarantino absentmindedly walked into a candle shop minding his own business. He glanced at the shelves that creaked under the sheer weight of awesome candles and marvelled at the retail clerk who had a lit candle on his head, dribbling wax down his face. Tarantino put on his best swagger and walked up to the least threatening looking candle, he loomed over it and scowled. It is reported that he launched into a tirade at the candle, demanding to know why it was so much better than he was and threatening to chop it up into little pieces if it did not acquiesce to his demands. When the waxfaced clerk tried to calm him down Tarantino produced a gun from his pocket and took the patrons of the shop hostage. For twelve hours the patrons and workers of Reservoir Candles cowered as Tarantino dismembered candle after candle. Some he burnt down to the end, some he chopped into tiny pieces, others he smashed with a sledgehammer, and one candle he shot with a bullet from the aforementioned gun. This went on for hours, he refused to even negotiate with the outside world. Eventually the clerk came over to Tarantino and explained that candles were cooler than Tarantino because they help people see in the dark. Tarantino reportedly shot that man in the ear and then bought a relatively unharmed candle to take home for his nefarious research. And that’s the story of how Tarantino bought a candle. But we can only guess at what he wanted with that candle. One day we might find out what his true intentions for the candle are, and when that day comes… god help us all.

9. Doctor Candlestein made a monster
Every year 83 monsters are animated by mad scientists, of these 83 8.3 don’t survive the animation process, another 8.3 go on a killing spree rampage kind of thing as soon as they bust out of their restraints, 1 goes on a dancing spree rampage kind of thing as soon as it busts free from it’s restraints and the rest go on to live normal lives. The latter is true for Doctor Candlestein’s creation, or as it is commonly known: Toby. Toby is a harmless enough monster who looks like a giant candle with the arms of overgrown kittens. Despite his dyslexia, diabetes and dyspraxia Toby is a kind and considerate soul who very rarely forces people through a mincing machine. The only exception to this rule is when his wick (located coming out of the top of his head) gets too warm and bursts into flames, thus unlocking the dangerous, fiery personality that lurks beneath Toby’s waxy demeanour. Thanks to his extensive charity work Can’t Complain Magazine has named him their man of the year. Former Can’t Complain Magazine man of the year Saint Clements is reported to be very angry at Toby for stealing his crown (though not literally as Saint Clements doesn’t believe in using hats as head ornamentation). According to his publicist Saint Clements is currently working out a way to entomb Toby in a giant underwater hat labyrinth and if anyone can help him can they please contact him on his website: www.stopwearinghatsonyourbloodyheadsforgodssake.com

8. The Miracle Candle
Back in the olden days a very special man called Jesus made a candle last for a million and one days and they applauded him and built a religion around him. However when David Blaine tried the same stunt this year people weren’t very interested, saying that they hadn’t been impressed with his public stunts since he’d levitated in the air for nine and a half months a couple of years ago. However as he made this candle last longer and longer people began to pay attention. On the millionth night it was decided that something needed to be done. That David Blaine could not be allowed to form his own religion. Hundreds of practitioners of Paris Hilton’s revamped Christianity swarmed the park where David Blaine was carrying out his miracle but they were met by many candle cultists who fought tooth and nail to protect their great leader and his miraculous candle. The battle raged on for hours and it was thought that there was no way to stop David Blaine from becoming the next major religion when the ground began to tremble and the sea of candle cultists and Christians parted revealing the holy triumvirate of t.A.T.u. and Indiana Jones. Their deific skin casting celestial ripples through the air as they made their way to David Blaine. They snatched his insignificant candle from him and explained in no uncertain terms that while he may be able to make a candle burn for a very long time they are actual gods with actual powers (given to them through mystical artefacts or unlikely stories about lesbian noises and magical spells gone awry). David Blaine in comparison is like a bug, and to reinforce this image they crushed his candle and destroyed his chance at godhood. The world rejoiced and to celebrate this marvellous occasion David Blaine was sealed into a well. An act which he believed would be his next big stunt, but what ultimately proved to be his eternal prison.

7. Ex Prime Minister flies to the moon on wings made of candles
The Prime Minister Ross Noble was getting bored with his position as the Prime Minister this year and so he made a mutant half-man half-hat called Trilby the prime minister and got back up to his old tricks. His first act as no longer the prime minister was to go home and build shoes made out of candles. The shoes were a roaring success and even though they burnt the soles of your feet people were soon clamouring for more candle based clothing. He developed line after line of candle clothing until he’d run out of pieces of clothing that can be improved by making them out of candles. One day as he struggled to invent a scarf made out of candles he accidentally made a pair of wings instead. He took a glance at the moon and wondered whether anyone could fly to the moon on wings made out of candles. It didn’t sound that hard so he wrote the words ‘Icarus 11’ on the wings, lit the candles and flapped his way into the stars. Within seconds the press had scrambled to his house and were using very large megaphones to interview him as he made his epic journey to the moon. It wasn’t long before the range of even the largest large megaphone had been exceeded and Ross was flying solo. As he burst from the Earth’s atmosphere he had to dodge asteroids, space debris, spaceships, space whales and even banana peels for about five minutes as he made his way to the moon. Reportedly once he arrived on the moon he found it to be so much fun that he opened up a bar with a friendly space whale called Nigel.

6. Sexy Third Gender Brings Laser Candles
It was discovered last year that contrary to popular belief both genders, men and women, had not always populated the planet. It turned out that in the Victorian Times men flickered into existence claiming that they had come from a far off planet to bring the wonders of steam technology and sexy dancing to an entirely lesbian filled planet. This year we were all minding our business watching the latest series of Strictly Britain’s Got The Lesbian Factor Idol: The Rivals when a sexy third gender flickered into existence. This third gender, known as kimen or vamale, was by far the sexiest of all the genders. Men fell in love with their perfect features and luscious carapaces, while women adored them for their golden locks (hair of course) and throbbing tensors. All over the planet men, women and kimen came together, and well, came together. Sex was new and exciting, thanks to the kimen it had been reinvented in a way that people wouldn’t have ever been able to imagine. And all was good with the world, for about a week. While men and women were having the time of their lives the kimen were going unsatisfied in comparison to their previous partners from their original planet. It was decided that they would return to their home planet and apologise to their spouses and hope that they would take them back. One by one the kimen faded away from our world. Leaving nothing but bittersweet memories, a longing for beautiful kimen that no amount of CGI pornography would ever be able to sate, and laser candles.

5. World’s Largest Candle Kidnapped
The world’s largest candle, otherwise known as the Empire State Candle had long been a feature of the New York skyline until one fateful day in June when it was gone. The people of New York looked high and low. They looked inside coffee shops, under yellow cabs, behind the statue of liberty but they could not find their missing giant candle. They called up David Copperfield to see if he had magicked it away. When he refused to admit that he had they fed him a burnt steak and then burnt him at the stake so that all potential candle thieves would see what happens to the falsely accused. Eventually after several long days of pointlessly killing magicians a letter covered in giant wax arrived from the world’s greatest supervillain Eville Von Bastarde. Bastarde’s career as a supervillain started when he was protesting, and eventually demolishing, a hat factory using his skills as a Flamenco ninja. However in retaliation to this unprovoked attack Cattus McHattus, owner of the hat factory, released millions of hatsquitoes designed to infect anyone they see dancing with a horrible blood disease. However it turns out that instead of filling the hatsquitoes injection reservoir with nasty blood diseases she accidentally filled them with super awesome toxic waste that causes people that are exposed to get superpowers. Eville Von Bastarde wasted no time in getting himself some superpowers. Once stung by a hatsquito he discovered that he could cause natural disasters through the medium of dance. Cattus McHattus decided that enough was enough, did a little dance and gained the power to throw a hat so hard it could slice through steel like it was butter. Every week Cattus McHattus must fight the forces of evil to keep the world, and her collection of awesome hats, safe. Anyway Von Bastarde bragged that he’d stolen the Empire State Candle and there was nothing New York could do about it. Investigations are ongoing but it’s believed that Cattus McHattus is gearing up to assault his supervillain hideout and recover the precious candle that is at the heart of every New Yorker. Only time will tell if she is successful.

4. Simon Cowell Eats Candles On The Street
(previously on the top ten things of the year: A knife won the X Factor in 2006 by 166% of the vote. Simon Cowell was determined to find out who had rigged the X Factor and to do so he launched The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor. The winner was a hat that was then executed. However it turned out that the hat had won by 167% of the vote. A curtain billowed and a man with weird white hair called Rhydian announced that it was he who had rigged both the X Factor and The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor. Simon Cowell furiously demanded that Rhydian be brought to justice and planned to televise it as The Bring Rhydian To Justice Factor.)
He actually ended up calling it The Bring Rhydian To Justice Because He Rigged ‘The X Factor’ and ‘The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor’ Factor. Simon and the other judges (who because of the constant reshuffling of judges at that time were: Sharon Osbourne, Ronald McDonald, Danni Minogue, Tom Baker, Cheryl Cole, Rick Astley, Louis Walsh and Chesney Hawkes) had a massive disagreement over how the contestants were going to be divided into different groups and the whole program just fell apart, with the other judges grabbing the pieces and running away to rearrange those pieces into an X Factor rip-off show of their very own, meaning 2008 was the year with the most X Factor rip-offs in living memory. Simon Cowell himself didn’t do an X Factor style show, instead he dedicated his every waking moment to finding Rhydian and bringing him to justice. Eventually after spending several weeks living in the gutter, eating candles from the floor and letting cats lick his face Simon found strength in his anger and started his hunt for Rhydian in earnest. He stopped by the house of two French men called Gaspard and Xavier, better known as the French band Justice who had hits with “We Are Your Friends” and “D.A.N.C.E.” and found Rhydian living in the courtroom hidden under their house. He started to make his way over to Rhydian to beat him black and blue, but wait! Suddenly Alexandra Burke, Leon Jackson, Eoghan Quigg, Ray Quinn and Chico were all there. They came to Rhydian’s aid; pleading the case that all reality TV shows are rigged because the public is stupid and if they don’t tell the public what they want then the public just gets all confused and votes for the wrong thing. Leon and Alexandra say that should know best of all. They’d never be big stars if they hadn’t rigged the competitions they entered. Simon Cowell decides that it’s not okay to rig competitions, no matter what is at stake. Incensed by the fight with the cheating X Factor contestants Simon produced his OFCOM laser and shot Rhydian through the heart. Simon breathed a sigh of relief. His burden was lifted, he had finally won. When suddenly there was a crash of thunder and a dark figure appeared silhouetted against the flapping red curtain on the highest balcony. It was Rhydian. He announces victoriously that it was all a set up. That he’d organised everything; from Simon finding him (something to do with the properties of genetically altered cat saliva), to the aid of the cheating X Factor contestants that made Simon angrier. Rhydian leant over and kissed Alexandra Burke (his partner in crime and secret wife) on the mouth before running off into the night laughing. Simon walked to what he had thought was Rhydian’s body to discover the corpse was Louis Walsh, Simon’s dearest friend. Simon fell to his knees and raised his arms theatrically in the air as rain poured down onto his face. He vowed that this time Rhydian would pay for what he did.

3. The General Population of Jormungandr Eat Candles
(previously on the top ten things of the year: a mysterious tribe of kepis (hats) slinked maliciously into the Principality of Jormungandr and cut off all the roads out of the principality. Ultimately even if the kepis had no intent to attack the people of Jormungandr the population of the aforementioned principality would soon die of starvation, their supply routes so effectively cut.)
The population of Jormungandr slowly began to starve as the kepis took over farms, supermarkets and cafés. People resorted to eating sand, chewing gum, bricks, candles and even airline dinners. Still Princess Jormungandr refused to negotiate with the mysterious kepis, and what was more interesting to the starving people of Jormungandr was that she was actually getting fatter while everyone else in the kingdom waned away. There were protests outside her palace, demanding that she share the wondrous bounty from the gods, but when that wondrous bounty from the gods was less than forthcoming the protest turned more into a riot. People became less interested in the Princess sharing her food and more interested in tying her up, roasting her over a fire and eating her delicious flesh. The rioting population burst through the doors of the palace to see it deserted. They ran down the corridors like salmon rushing upstream and converged on Jormungandr’s throne room and own personal cloning facility (did I not mention that Jormungandr had a personal cloning facility in her throne room? well she did) where it was discovered she had been cloning herself and eating the clones. Upon discovering this many people thought ‘oh well fair enough then’ and proceeded to baste the latest Jormungandr clone with a delicious barbecue sauce. However the majority of the surviving Jormungandian citizens were outraged, as they themselves are clones. They demanded that a more effective solution be implemented. One that doesn’t have them creating clones only to feast upon them. Jormungandr proposed the creation of a new clone. A clone with the wits, dexterity and strength to take on the army of kepis and win. A clone who might possibly be able to turn into a giant fox one day. A clone who would be a hero, who would be able to change the world. A clone who she may one day be able to love. Jormungandr proposed that this clone be named Clone 315 and that he be a shining beacon to all other clones. She was at that point interrupted by a clone from amidst the crowd of clones who suggested that perhaps this clone have a different name because he was Clone 315. Plus, Clone 315 added, turning into a giant fox sounds like a lame ability. This was agreed by the group at large. So Jormungandr renamed the clone Spunk, got rid of the stupid ability to change into a giant fox and started the cloning machine to produce this heroic clone. Spunk was everything that Princess Jormungandr could hope for and more. Within mere hours of his production the kepis had been forced back into the parallel universe from which they had been spawned and everything was good with the world again. Spunk was praised as a hero and within the year Princess Jormungandr and Spunk had announced their intention to marry.

2. Lost City of Candlantis Discovered
The Lost City of Atlantis. People have been looking for it for ages now. Legend has it that people have been looking for it since the dawn of time, although if they were that was pretty stupid of them because it obviously hadn’t been invented yet. When it had been invented so many people flocked to this wondrous land of wonders that eventually it was standing room only and you had to share your bed room with a man called Eggbert. Soon the population of Atlantis so far exceeded the recommended weight limit that this once great city sunk through the murky waters and down to the depths below. Since then people have trawled murky waters all over the planet hoping to find even the slightest clue that just maybe their swimming pool or a local pond might have once been the site of Atlantis. It was in the year of 2008 that an intrepid explorer would revolutionise the world of Atlantis Hunters with his radical new ideas and his hat that he wears at a jaunty angle. His name was Jaunty McSteve and his ideas were so revolutionary that if people thought about them for too long they would get dizzy and fall over. He reasoned that people had been searching for this lost continent in oceans and tidepools and puddles for so long that it probably wasn’t underwater at all. If it was then people would have found it by now. He reasoned that like his keys Atlantis would probably be in the last place you would look for it and so he started on a small scale by looking down the back of his sofa and in those cupboards that you don’t really use but you might have put it in there you suppose. Soon he was leading a massive nationwide hunt for the lost city marching from house to house and searching through the laundry baskets of potential Atlantis thieves. However, like so many other Atlantis Hunters, Jaunty McSteve never found Atlantis eventually going mad from the pressure and building a replica of the Lost City made entirely of candles. He has since been committed to the specially built Atlantis Wing of the Shady Island Mental Institution. He will always be remembered with fondness by those with poor balance or who wear hats at an angle and of course Lord Lucan who he discovered eating marmalade in an attic in Bristol.

1. CandleMan CandleMan Does Whatever A Candle Can
2008 saw the return of the worlds worst superhero CandleMan. CandleMan’s one power, the power to set his hair on fire and use it as illumination faltered once again as he came up against The Black Destroyer. A villain of such unspeakable horror and terror that people communicate the idea of his horror and terror through the medium of mime or line drawings. Thanks to CandleMan’s general incompetence The Black Destroyer is now the supreme ruler of Norway and soon the entire earth. All hail the Black Destroyer and the evil black cockroaches he puts in your brain. CandleMan’s general ineptitude didn’t stop some fans from being sad that he died and a massive funeral was held for him a couple of days after news of his defeat. His supporters from all over the world gathered in the Birmingham Candle Factory where CandleMan had been born and remembered him. Celebrity CandleMan Fan Elton John showed his support to the fallen superhero in the form of a song which went a little something like this:

“And it seems to me that he lived his life
while he had his head on fire.
What a freaky superhero,
did I really like this guy?
All hail the Black Destroyer
with his creepy cockroach brain
CandleMan was stupid,
he got put out in the rain.”

Possibly one about cakes coming soon. And when I say soon I mean by about July…

Anyway I’m not too worried about it all being a TV program because it isn’t all just a TV program. They’ve just fought a squid and now they’ve found out that everything they believed in isn’t real. Think about the last time this pattern of events occurred. It’s not so much Red Dwarf: Back To Earth as Red Dwarf: Back To Reality 2. Be nice if it was as funny as Back To Reality though. Just saying.

Oh and I forgot to give up something for lent this year so I’m falling back on the “I’m giving up giving things up for lent for lent” joke. It’s an oldie but a goodie.

I’m totally not dead. Look I’m back and doing an update and everything. I can’t promise that this sudden upsurge in updates is going to continue but I can promise you one thing. I solemnly swear to you that from now on no matter how desperate for content I am, no matter how easy and convenient it seems, no matter how much money i get bribed I will never ever do fun link of the day. Stupid fun link of the day destroyed my perfect updating record. For that I will never forgive it. Rot in peace Fun Link of the Day. You will not be missed.

Anyway to sum up the last month and a half I played World of Warcraft a whole bunch, then I read all the Twilight books (excluding Twilight itself which I had already read) in about a week and then I bought and downloaded Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and The Damned. You know it’s really depressing when you can accurately summarize an entire month and a half into one medium legnth sentence with lots of conjunctions. The most distressing of the recent developments in my life is that I’ve finally managed to get into a decent sleep pattern right when I didn’t want one. Due to complex reasons (I hate other people) I’d love to spend most of my time on World of Warcraft when the time is the middle of the night time. However I’m now going to sleep early and waking up early. I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me. This is neither normal nor desirable.

Oh and I’ve been composing a list of the top ten celebrities that I would like to sleep with but it’s not complete yet. I keep getting mysteriously distracted in the process… So anyway I guess that’s about it for my month and a half of no excitement whatsoever. I’ll try and update every now and again so that you’ll know I’m not lying in a ditch somewhere. I don’t know people assume that people are going to die in a ditch. I’m almost never in a ditch and when I am in a ditch I pay very close attention to the rules of ditch safety. If I was to die I’d probably flop dead onto the keyboard and then blood would explode out of my veins and cover the entire room with a stomach-turning smattering of blood. Or something. I haven’t really thought about my death. If I did die like that it would be pretty cool though. It’s a shame I’d be dead and would be unable to appreciate it all things considered. Anyway that’s it for now. Bye!

Oh and I went on twitter for a while but I’ve given that up now. Bye again!

Let’s check out today’s fun link of the day: http://www.internet.com/

I don’t know what’s going on on there but the fact that there is an actually website called internet.com amuses me to no end. Okay it doesn’t amuse me to no end, because that would be pathetic, but it is pretty good. Okay not pretty good but it isn’t actively bad. Okay right so it is dreadful and full of the kind of stuff that will prevent you from sleeping at night as you cry into your pillow wondering where your life went but it’s difficult to find fun things on the internet. I mean you try website names and they don’t even exist. Why someone hasn’t put up a website about velcro badgers is beyond me.